And they said that it was overkill, that we'd taken the
joke too far. And they were probably right. So here, for positively the very last time
(unless we're desperate for a space-filler next issue) is the final FHE Dice-Throwing
Table ...
Grab yourself a die, roll it several times, and save yourself the embarrassment of
going to a convention. In the safety of your own home YOU can experience the true horror
and mind-numbing boredom of meeting hundreds of Dr Who fans just like you!
| Your fan's age is |
|
His gender is |
| 1 Pre-pubescent |
|
1 Male |
| 2 Pre-sentient |
|
2 Very male |
| 3 Acts pre-pubescent |
|
3 Almost male |
| 4 Probably old-ish, but you can't tell for all that Bill
Hartnell make-up |
|
4 Probably male |
| 5 Ageing hippy |
|
5 Gary Levy |
| 6 Very crinkly |
|
6 Guess |
|
|
|
| Build |
|
Spots |
| 1 Short and fat |
|
1 None |
| 2 Looks like a Dalek |
|
2 Some, all natural colours |
| 3 Short and fat and looks like a Dalek |
|
3 Lots, and glow in the dark |
| 4 Neanderthal |
|
4 Dark side of the moon |
| 5 Looks like Erato |
|
5 Not unlike a deep-pan pizza |
| 6 Tall and skinny |
|
6 No face, just yicky puss-y spots |
|
|
|
| He is dressed like |
|
He is carrying |
| 1 Tom Baker |
|
1 DWM |
| 2 Tom Baker |
|
2 DWB |
| 3 Tom Baker |
|
3 The Frame |
| 4 Tom Baker |
|
4 The Plague |
| 5 One of the others (what others?) |
|
5 JNT's entrails |
| 6 Sylvester McCoy's jumper |
|
6 His latest rejected script |
|
|
|
| His manner |
|
He wants to know |
| 1 Wild staring eyes |
|
1 The time |
| 2 Wild staring four eyes |
|
2 The place (uh oh ...) |
| 3 Convinced he's the 16th regeneration of the Dr's cat |
|
3 Is that The Mutants? |
| 4 American |
|
4 Have you got all Tom Baker's nail clippings? |
| 5 Blue Stripe / Cyberloon |
|
5 Have you got all the videos of every story? |
| 6 Really interesting ... |
|
6 Have you seen Silver Nemesis |
|
|
|
| But he's not just a Dr Who fan, in his
spare time he's also |
|
He has a complete collection of |
| 1 A Blake's 7 fan |
|
1 Target books |
| 2 A Trekkie |
|
2 Sylvester McCoy videos |
| 3 A Prisoner fan |
|
3 Lalla Ward soft porn videos |
| 4 A computer scientist |
|
4 Spots |
| 5 A train spotter |
|
5 Tom Baker's underwear |
| 6 A bus ticket collector |
|
6 The Dapol toys |
|
|
7 Brain cells |
|
|
|
| He has never |
|
His ambition in life is to |
| 1 Met a girl |
|
1 Meet a female Dr Who fan |
| 2 Held an interesting conversation |
|
2 Find some Clearasil |
| 3 Missed an episode of Dr Who |
|
3 Grow some convincing facial hair |
| 4 (If he's really honest) enjoyed an episode of Dr Who |
|
4 Be at a social function without mentioning Dr Who |
| 5 Dared ask Jon Pertwee for his autography |
|
5 Find out what a girl is |
| 6 Realised what a prat he is |
|
6 Grow up |
|
|
|
| His favourite Doctor is |
|
He will not go away until |
| 1 Tom Baker |
|
1 You give him David's address |
| 2 Tom Baker |
|
2 You tell him to fuck off and fill his face in |
| 3 Well it's so difficult, I mean they were all so good, but
on balance if I had to commit myself I suppose ... TOM BAKER IS GOD! |
|
3 You tell him Bonnie Langford has been spotted in the
bar |
| 4 Tom Baker |
|
4 The end of the universe |
| 5 Action Man |
|
5 His brain explodes |
6 William who?
7 Colin Baker |
|
6 You've successfully hidden and he's been talking to himself
for half an hour |
Messrs Gibbs and Sinclair can be reached c/o Salman Rushdie, In Fear Of Their Lives, Go
Away You Bastards, God I Wish I'd Never Written The Bloody Thing, Nr Milton Keynes.
